I Cherish Thee
by zarabithia
Summary: T'Pol realizes what she cannot give to Trip; Trip reflects on three little words. COMPLETE
1. T'POL'S Pov

I Cherish Thee 

**Rating**: PG

**Genres:**  Angst/Romance. Someday, I shall write an ENT story that is not a T/T, and does not have angst. Today is not the day. 

**Disclaimers:** If I owned them, Trip would have permanent chest hair.  But I don't own them, Paramount does, Trip's chest hair comes and goes, and TPTB are making vast amounts of money while I thrive on baloney and ramen noodles throughout graduate school. Translation: no profit by me=no reason to sue by others. 

**A/N:  ** This one's not betaed. Mistakes are acknowledged and apologized for up front. 

**Summary:**  T'Pol realizes what she cannot give to Trip. __

_~~~_

Today, I shall leave him. Unquestionably, it shall be the hardest task I have ever undertaken. Logic and sense dictate that I will be doing the correct course of action.  Our relationship has rarely been subjected to the rules of common sense or logic, however.  I find no relief in the irony that our breakup shall employ the very principles of logic that has escaped our union.

Regardless of my lack of relief, the union must end.  We are not a compatible pair.  

There is equally no satisfaction to be obtained from our lack of compatibility.  Satisfaction? Who do I seek to fool? I shall experience pain today when I sever our union.  Not physical pain – but emotional.  For all that I profess to be free from such human encumbrances, today shall be the day that I will be unable to deny their existence.

He knows the fallacy of that argument, of course.  My th'y'la recognizes the fact that although my people claim otherwise, we are capable of experiencing emotion. He does not understand the need to suppress the expression of such emotions.  If he understood, perhaps we would be more compatible. 

In most manners, he has made considerable concessions in our relationship.  Before beginning my relationship with Charles, I would have assumed him too emotionally fragile to engage in any long term relationship.  I would have readily agreed that he lacked the maturity to engage in an interspecies relationship.

I was wrong. 

If I were Betazoid, Denobulan, Andorian, Tellarite, Centurian, or even Klingon, his concessions would have been enough.  If I were any of those species, I could meet his compromise with one of my own.  If I were any species but a Vulcan, I could tell him what he yearns to hear.  I could say "I love you."

But I am Vulcan. 

I know that I do not always obey the strictest of my people's laws.  I chose to travel with humans.  I took one as a mate.   Is it because of my propensity to conflict with my people's beliefs that I hold on so tightly to the basic tenets? I do not know.  But I will not give in.  I may never be as logical as T'Pau, Skon, or even Soval.  But I will not become a _V'Tosh Ka'Tur. _ I may defy convention, but I will not become a Vulcan without logic. 

To openly express feeling would be a direct affront to Surak's teachings.  It would require me to forsake my Vulcan heritage. I cannot. I will not. 

Not even for him.

It is not the path he would chose.  Predictably, he would chose to continue to disagree over our relationship.  The disagreements have grown more frequent of late. They alter between his quiet brooding and his louder, angry protests. I find I prefer the louder displays, such as the one that took place one week ago.

*^*^*^*^*^*^

_" 'Night, T'Pol."_

_"Good night, Charles."_

_"Love ya."_

_"I cherish you."_

_"Cherish?"_

_"Charles-"_

_"Cherish just isn't the same, T'Pol."_

_"I am a Vulcan, Charles.  I cannot-"_

_"I know you're a Vulcan, T'Pol. Trust me, there's no way for me to ever forget that. But I'm human."_

_"That information likewise could never escape my detection."_

_"Because I'm human, I need to hear you tell me how much I mean to you, T'Pol.  Is that asking so much?"_

_"I cher-"  
"Stop it with the 'cherish,' T'Pol.  A person 'cherishes' a dog or a cat.  Maybe a nice piece of furniture.  Don't ya love me, T'Pol?"_

_"I am a Vulcan.  We do not experience this 'love.'" _

_"Then I guess there really isn't anything else to say. Good night, T'Pol."_

*^*^*^*^*^*^__

Occasionally, he will simply turn away after failing to receive a reciprocation of his phrase. Those events have grown ever more frequent.  

I do not find fault with Charles for wanting what I cannot give.  He is human.  Humans are highly emotional creatures. Their matings are equally so.  Still, I find it difficult to understand why he cannot grasp the full extent of what he is asking me to do.  He wishes for me to tell him I love him. He desires verbal expressions of emotions I have spent a lifetime trying to suppress. He wishes for me to profess a feeling for which there is no Vulcan word. 

Is such sentiment the human expression of love? 

That is not a fair assessment.  My time with Charles has been an enriching experience.  My life has been a more . . . satisfying one because of his involvement in it.  The beneficial aspects of our union outweigh the negative aspects. If my own well being were the only one that needed considering, I would stay. 

But he lacks satisfaction with our union. I once brought him illogical, unnecessary amounts of joy with my presence.  The smile that once threatened to be my undoing now rarely graces his features.  It is unquestionably a direct result of the decline of our relationship. I have seen him smile in the presence of others.

Including other females. 

He has remained faithful, of course.  But my th'y'la has always attracted a large number of female admirers – human and non-human.  It would only be selfish of me to remain a fixture in his life, knowing there are many others who can – and will – take my place and give to Charles what I cannot. 

Thus, today I will leave.  I shall return to Vulcan, where eventually my time of _pon far _shall force me to take a mate.  I am not certain whether Charles will marry a human. Perhaps he shall marry a Betazoid – both species are opposite enough from humans to provide the emotional demonstration my th'y'la desires.

He shall never cease to be my th'y'la.

I do not know look forward to the taking of another.  He shall have to be an exceptional Vulcan, one who holds no hostility towards humans, as his mate has lain with one. He will by necessity have to understand the depth of my attachment for Charles.  I do not know how I will make my future bond mate understand when I have so clearly failed in making Charles understand.

He must understand how deeply I cherish my th'y'la. 

Perhaps it will be his very Vulcan nature that will enable him to understand the logic that motivates me to leave my th'y'la, even as I so dearly cherish him.

Will his Vulcan blood enable him to understand what I have tried to explain to Charles so many times?

Will he understand that I cherished Charles enough to retire to bed when he retired, although I did not need the same amount of sleep as he. The only substantial benefit being the ability to hear his breath and heartbeat beside me as I drifted off to sleep. 

I cherished him enough to permit myself to trust him in the midst of a large quantity of females, based solely upon his promise of fidelity.

I cherished him enough to be silent and permit him to discover the flaws in his reasoning that I myself detected long before he did.  I knew his personality would desire nothing less. 

I cherished him enough to perform the extremely intimate procedure such as the neuropressure before our union was official, in a desperate attempt to cease his pain.

I cherished him enough to attend his precious movie night because of its symbolic importance to him – regardless of the inanity of the majority of the films shown. 

I cherished him enough to share my deepest concerns, disappointments, and secrets with him.

I cherished him enough to chose him as my mate, regardless of the shunning such action would cause amongst my people.  

I cherished him enough to permit him to see me at my most vulnerable – an action I had never before committed with a human. 

I cherished him enough to allow him to permeate my thoughts thoroughly and completely. 

I cherished him enough to watch him stumble, fall, and hurt with the human capacity to do so without once pointing out the frailty such conditions implied.  

I cherished him enough to acknowledge the grievance which the aforementioned conditions caused me.  

But most of all, I cherish Charles Tucker enough to walk away when it became obvious that he desired more out of his mate than our union could give.  

Because I cherish him enough to put his own happiness above my well being.  Someday, I hope Charles can understand the logic behind my choice. 

Perhaps by the time that instance occurs, I will understand why humans feel the need for this emotion of 'love.' If the concept of love is so much stronger than the concept of cherishing, then I am thankful I shall not be able to express such an emotion.  Cherishing Charles has been the source of immense emotional distress. I could not handle a degree more. 

~~~

Please Review. 


	2. Trip's POV

I Cherish Thee

Part II: Trip's POV

Summary: An older and wiser Trip reflects on three little words. 

Warning: **Character Death** and **Future Fic.**

Un-betae'ed, so mistakes are acknowledged and apologized for in advance. 

****^^^^^^****

This was never supposed to happen.  

Vulcans live longer than humans.  She's supposed to be standing over my grave, not the other way around. 

I'm not supposed to be kneeling here, on the grains of sand lying at the bottom of Mount Seleya surrounded by the graves of the honored Vulcan dead.  My sobs and the Vulcan air shouldn't mix together to make it nearly impossible for me to breathe. I shouldn't be damning the unemotional guard I had to pass to gain entrance. 

How dare he not mourn?

Doesn't he know what's been lost?

But, hell, Vulcans are masters at being emotional and hiding it. I learned that a long time ago, and considering the price I paid for such a lesson, you'd think I'd be less inclined to forget it. 

****^^^^^^****

_"We must absolve our union, Charles."_

_"I don't want to 'absolve our union.'"_

_"We cannot continue.  I cannot express the feeling you want me to express."_

_"Why not? You feel it, T'Pol, I know you do.  Why do you have to be so stubborn and insist on not showin' it?"_

_"The fact that you do not understand my reasoning is proof that we cannot continue as a couple."_

****^^^^^^****

Damn, stubborn memories.  In truth, they're as stubborn as the man that possesses them. 

In vain, I wipe away the tears that I can't seem to stop from falling and try to focus on the memorial that's been erected in her honor.  The wording is in Vulcan, but my recent post has given me ample opportunity to learn the language. As the translation becomes clearer, the tears incredibly increase when I didn't think it was possible for them to do so. 

_T'Pol, daughter of T'Pal, daughter of T'Sol. _

_Bondmate of Sokar._

_She was cherished. _

Cherished. That damn word is going to quite possibly haunt me for the rest of my life. 

Again, unwanted memories assault me. 

Specifically, a memory of when I had given up all that was precious to me. 

 ****^^^^^^****

_"If this is how you want things to be, fine, T'Pol. I'll always love you, you know that."_

_"And I cherish you, Charles. But our union must end."_

****^^^^^^****

I should have fought harder to keep her. Then again, maybe I shouldn't have. Did I deserve her? The woman told me, in her own way, that she loved me every day – and I was too stubborn to realize it. 

I didn't realize it for several years after T'Pol and I broke up.  We went our separate ways and I continued to think that I had loved a woman who hadn't returned the feeling. 

So many wasted years.  I'll never be able to forget the day the truth sunk in. It was such an ordinary day – no sign of the revelation that was about to fall into my lap as I sat there in that rainy San Francisco port.  While I waited, I watched the company milling about – Vulcans, Andorians, Tellerites- a true conglomeration and worthy representation the Federation. 

That's when I noticed the Vulcan couple.  With a twinge of remorse in my heart, I had watched them- obviously bidding each other hello after a long absence.  I watched as their forefingers and middle fingers reached out and connected and I listened as they greeted one another. 

"_My mate, I have missed you. I cherish thee, t'hy'la."_

_"I cherish thee, as well, t'hy'la.  You absence has been decidedly unpleasant."_

All at once, I realized that I had been a fool. It had taken nearly ten years, but the Vulcan to English translation of "I cherish thee" was finally complete. 

Cherish is the Vulcan equivalent of love. 

It was so obvious.  Why didn't I notice it earlier? 

Damn foolish human pride. 

I had held the universe's greatest love in the palm of my hand, and because of my own stupidity, I let it slip right out from my beneath my fingers. 

It's not as though I didn't move on, because I did. Time doesn't stop for anyone.  I married, had three beautiful babies, and continued my career.  Most days I don't even dwell upon the love that T'Pol and I had together.  Most of the specifics of the memories are gone.  It's been a long time since I've lost any sleep.  For all intents and purposes, I'm doing just fine with my somebody new.

But every now and then, I think of what I used to have with T'Pol. And when I do, I realize that time's healing powers are far over-rated. 

I wonder if T'Pol felt the same way with Sokar?

I've never met him.  Part of me wants to and part of me is glad that I never have. It's strange- just as part of me wants to hate him, but the part that reads T'Pol's memorial head stone can't hate him.  

Because he understood what I didn't. He didn't ask T'Pol to change her ways like I did. He loved-cherished-T'Pol in the same fashion that she cherished me.  Truly unconditionally. 

A new flood of tears burst forth and amazingly, I find that I still have the energy to find new sobs. She never asked me to change. Not once.  She wanted-and cherished-each emotional, human weakness with only a raised eyebrow in response. 

Why didn't I return that affection?

She held me and comforted me through the loss of Lizzie when no one else did, soothed away the nightmares, and enticed me to smile again when I didn't think it was possible. 

And I had the audacity to get upset because she wouldn't say one little four letter human word?

_I cherish you. _

"Oh, T'Pol," I tell the head stone in front of me, "I'm sorry for bein' such an ass. I'm sorry I didn't realize what you were tryin' to tell me.  I'm sorry that by the time I did realize what you meant, it was too late – you were already bonded to someone else."

All the apologies in the galaxy won't make it better now.  It won't right what I wronged so many years ago. 

"Ambassador Tucker?" I'm startled out of my self pity by the not entirely self assured voice of a teenage Vulcan male.  I half-heartedly wipe at the tears before turning to face the kid, who I recognize to be Skon's eldest son.

"Yes, Sarek, what is it?"  I ask, already knowing the answer.  

"My father has sent me to request your presence at the council.  Proceedings will begin shortly," the boy answers, still uncomfortable. 

He must have heard my emotional outburst to T'Pol.  Poor kid.  "Alright, Sarek. Give me a minute and I'll come with ya."

I turn back towards the stone and try desperately to absorb every piece of the material in my memory forever. It's all I have left of her, now. 

"Well, T'Pol, I've got to go. Duty calls.  Ya know the bastards are wanting to revoke the Prime Directive – callin' it a 'Vulcan Law.' Which is foolish really.  But ya know how humans can get when their emotions get the best of 'em."

She should know that better than anybody. 

I can feel Sarek's questioning gaze upon me so I turn my attention back to him. "What is it, Sarek?"

Embarrassed by being caught, he fumbles only slightly as he asks, "Did you know Lady T'Pol well, Ambassador?" 

"Yep, Sarek, I sure did. She's the reason I became an Ambassdor, ya know."

"Indeed?"

"Yeah.  Several years ago, she and I had a misunderstandin' that was really based on bad communication between us. We were both sayin' the same thing, but neither one of us realized it until it was too late.  When I finally did realize it-years later-the post for Earth Ambassador to Vulcan was vacant and I realized there was no one who understood the potential negative effects of bad relations between our planets quite like I did." 

Sarek nods solemnly.  "Then you have benefited and learned from your mistake."

_Too late.  _"Yes, Sarek, I have."  

Rising, I give T'Pol one last goodbye. It is the goodbye I should have given her while she was still alive, and while it still had the power to matter.

But I give it now, and settle for a sense of closure, since a feeling of completion is beyond my grasp. 

"Ashaya, Adun." 

The closest English translation? So clear to me now, when it was once so far away.  Literally, I cherish thee, beloved.

It is my imagination, of course, but I can almost as I close my eyes tightly to blink back tears that will be unwelcome in a Vulcan council, I swear I can hear T'Pol's gentle voice say in response, "And I thee, beloved." 

With a final glance at the tomb, I turn back towards Sarek who is staring at me, wide-eyed.  If I had any humor in me today, I would find his lack of control amusing. 

"I-I did not mean to impinge, Ambassador-"

"No, of course ya didn't, Sarek.  Don't worry about it."

"Vulcans do not worry, Ambassador."

Sure they do. "Course not, Sarek."

As we head back towards the home of Sarek's father, the child remarks, "A Human and a Vulcan together as a couple? I have heard of such things, but I have wondered how such a relationship could thrive."

In the end, I guess we didn't. "Well, our union seemed the logical thing to do at the time, Sarek."

The quirk of the eyebrow is so heart-breakingly familiar, I want to start crying again. Resisting the urge, I ask, "That message on the tomb is pretty . . . emotional, Sarek. Must have caused quite a stir."

"Indeed.  However, Sokar insisted upon it.  He is quite. . . unorthodox."

No doubt. T'Pol would never have settled for anyone "orthodox." Although I have never met Sokar, Sarek's descriptions calm me.  I am glad T'Pol took a mate who genuinely cherished her.  I am glad she found one who so obviously was the match that I wouldn't be.  I'm even glad he took the love T'Pol unselfishly gave and I callously threw away. 

She deserved such a mate, after all. No one loved-cherished-as wholeheartedly as she did. It's only fair that it was returned.

I'm only sorry I wasn't in his place.  

****^^^^^^****

The End. 

  
  



End file.
